Butt Dialing Jesus – Charles Coe

There was a time when voices emanating from my pants
would have caused concern. But now I simply shrugged
and pulled my phone to hear a recording:
“You have reached the Son of God.
I am currently speaking with another supplicant.
But please hold: your salvation is important to me.”

This was followed by music.
I expected celestial choirs or maybe an elevator-friendly
version of “My Sweet Lord,” but was instead treated
to acoustic Delta blues guitar, interrupted after
a few minutes by the voice of Himself, greeting me
by name and asking how he could serve.

I was startled. Didn’t expect to actually get through.
“Umm…what’s the one true religion?” I asked,
flustered, just to have something to say.
“All of them,” he replied, “None of them.”

I was taken aback. “What? That’s it?”
“That’s it,” he said.“Follow the Golden Rule.
Leave the campground cleaner than you found it.
Anything else? I have a lot of people on hold.”
I had nothing, and mumbled my thanks.

He said, “Go in Peace”and broke the connection.
I put down the phone and stared out the window.
The guy across the street was clearing snow
off his sidewalk. Never really liked that dude,
but I grabbed my shovel to go lend a hand.