Voyage to the Beginning

For my first 9D Breathwork workshop in 2025 I had set the intention to discover what my “soul” or inherited “essence” was and I had been very surprised, as described elsewhere, to discover that when I was in the womb I was both male and female and that I only became male after my birth by virtue of my genitalia. I felt that experience had been very important in terms of my soul discovery, or my soul retrieval, or my soul access work; that there was nothing more foundational than for me to understand that I was both male and female.

So when I went back for my second breath session a few months later I had the same intention, which was to learn more about my soul, and, for some reason, when I began deepening, I found myself in the company of my my father’s mother’s mother, my great grandmother, Toby Warshavski, the woman I wrote that little poetry book about how she saved my life when I was four years old. And as I thought about my beloved great grandmother, I remembered that she too had been a little child, and that she had had a father and a mother, although it was the father’s line that I was particularly interested in. And I imagined/visualized her father, probably in the 1830s, and I greeted him and actually opened my arms and hugged him. And then I remembered that he had been a little boy and had had a father and that took me back into the 1780s or the American revolutionary times, and I hugged that man and then that father’s father went back to the 17th and then the 16th century and the 15^th century, and as I was following these men and hugging these men from whom I was descended I got back to the time of the butcher Columbus’s voyage to the so-called New World, and the fact that I had had Jewish ancestors in Moorish Spain at that time, and that Jews were on Columbus’s ships, and that my ancestors of that time had learned about the New World, at the same time that they were being expelled from Moorish Spain, and that some of my ancestors were people who had walked to Spain in the middle ages and had then walked away from Spain, often back to the holy land or Northern Africa or eastern European countries. These very people, including some of my ancestors, had been welcome in many Muslim countries, and the image of my ancestors walking to and fro became very powerful for me, and I traveled back beyond the Middle Ages, and continued back to the time of Christ. Only I was now not going generation by generation but jumping back centuries at a time, back to Christ, and then back to Moses, and beyond. And the fact was that I had ancestors who had walked into Egypt and generations later ancestors who walked with Moses from Egypt to the holy land. And there I was, back in the time of King David and young David and Goliath … and my ancestors were there and I hugged them and I was there.

I then went back to the cave people where I’ve often started my autobiography and have often said that I can absolutely and concretely feel that I was descended from people 50,000 years ago making handprints in blood on the walls of the cave. And I went beyond that, back to the earliest stages of humankind, and I felt that I had walked back millions of years, walking, walking, back to the Australopithecines, back to Lucy and her kin, and I knew for certain that one of her contemporaries was my ancestor, both a male and a female ancestor. And I pictured the primates as I continued as my own direct ancestor walking backwards through time. Walking. Walking. And I kept going further and further back… back to when the first animals walked on the land, and then back to being the creatures in the sea who were my ancestors. And then back to the first forms of life on Earth. And then even back to the big bang, to the explosion that had fostered the current iteration of space and time and matter, and I was back at my lifelong obsession with the question of how something could come from nothing … or how it always was – which solved nothing about origins – there being just soooo much mass – and I truly don’t understand. And I know I don’t know. And can’t know. And I can’t stand that I don’t know the answer to how something can come from nothing and that saying it always was and always will be solves nothing. Whereupon I started mumbling “I know that I don’t know,” and “I know that I can’t know.”

And then started my journey of returning to the present, first as atoms, then molecules, then stars and suns, planets, the Earth and the sun, and the elements that became the combination of molecules that produced the first life that led to the creatures of the sea that came out onto the land and that were able to walk into primates and Lucy and I was working my way back, and back, and back. And I came back to my great grandmother, Toby. And I came back to my grandfather on my father’s side, Samuel, a man I knew, and I came back to my father, and I knew with great clarity something about my father’s deep deep tension between the soft soul of the man he was and the demand that as a man he be strong and macho and fearless and how I had directly inherited the part of me that needed to be a man, and to be strong, and to know what being a father was and then to the very point in my life when I realized I no longer needed to be that person, that I had become a spiritual person, that I was on a spiritual journey and even believed in the existence of some sort of higher power which I’ve actually come to “know,” and I felt in that sense that I also knew as much of my “soul” as I would ever be able or capable of knowing, and it was satisfactory, that although I knew I couldn’t “know,” and I would never know how something came from nothing, that I had traced the journey of my soul from its origins into my current body and current consciousness where it lives appreciatively today.