Day One

My passage into this world was quite lengthy and strange. I remember thinking the fluid in which I floated was running out and that I was at risk. I became quite woozy, which I’ve never liked. My head was squeezed. I felt tremendous pressure. I was expelled into a world I had never imagined. I was slapped and twisted. I drew something cold inside my chest, not unpleasant, but rather cool. I hadn’t even known there were outsides and insides. It was chilly outside my form. The brightness bothered my eyes.
Everything was blurred and indistinct. My arms were pinned down. It was extremely loud. Temperature regulation was a hassle. I was cold. I was hot. The soft thick fluid was gone. Fish on a beach I thought. I wish I’d stayed inside I thought. I was very frightened. I wanted things to be as they had been.
Having said that, it was also tremendously interesting and different, enlivening. I had an awareness of other forms, which I’d never had before, a sense of my separateness, my empty aloneness, and my hungry vulnerability. All of my movements were jerky and unsmooth. I hardly knew myself and was in control of nothing. Trust was a big issue then … and would ever since. Life is such an improbable challenge. I wondered where I was before, before I was inside. I have absolutely no memory of that time, then or now, other than the blood, which makes me feel kind of lonely.
I felt lost. Not in pain, but vaguely uncomfortable, physically and emotionally. There were long periods of unconsciousness that were so familiar. It was the awareness that startled me. I waited. I waited a lot. There wasn’t much I could do about anything anyway. I had concerns and gripes, but was clearly where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. At least I thought so then.